Neurodivergence & My Personal Story

So while I’m investigating neurodivergence, I start to understand that my brain is just functioning very differently than most people. And I have been just protesting what was going against my natural way of being in the world and doing things. 

I was reading that depression and anxiety are a form of protest. They are symptoms manifested by our bodies and psyches, protesting the ways we are living and the systems that govern this. 

It’s so clear to me now that there is a group of very sensitive souls that are completely differently wired and have a huge difficulty to function in this world normally.
It’s like everything is upside down for us and we need to reinvent ourselves, adjust in ways that are foreign to us. It’s like going against the stream, and it’s exhausting that’s for sure. 

But I also trust that we can find a way that works for us, even though it takes some trials and errors to find out. 

Almost 46 years on this planet and I must say it has not been easy, many times I didn’t want to be here, I felt I didn’t belong here, I couldn’t find a way to fit or find my way and be okay with it. Many times I tried too hard.
The pain of not feeling any sense of home, family or belonging is I believe the most painful a human being can experience. It’s a fundamental longing. It almost felt like I only had two choices, either pretend that I’m just like all the rest and go along with their way of doing things or being myself and thus that meant being alone, or at least that’s what I thought.

Spiritual Path as a Refuge

I found refuge in the spiritual path.
I found some relief of the pain I was experiencing and I found more people that I could resonate with, but still many times I didn’t feel like strong bonds that would be a stable anchor in my life.

Many friendships were coming and going, many relationships were coming and going.

And in the end I still felt it always came back to being alone. 

Although I have friends that are spread in so many different countries in the world, because of my extensive traveling and living in different places, it doesn’t really help to simply get my needs met to feel connected with a few people locally where I live. 

I’m very grateful though to have some friends that I can always call, but it’s just not the same. 
Even after so many years, I still feel like a foreigner on this planet, except when I’m in nature, then I feel home, it feels familiar, it feels nurturing and supportive.
This also seems to be very common for people with a neurodivergent brain. 

A stereotypical view

I understand now that it is being so misunderstood by many people, even though I also had a stereotypical idea of people with ADHD and Autism.
I studied as a social worker and I worked a few years in psychiatry. There were people with schizophrenia, autism, ptsd and other complex mental diseases, usually it was a mix of different things and they got a lot of medication that made them look even more like zombies.

Because of that I always had this distorted image of people that had these labels.
I never could see myself relating to that at all, until I found out that there are different ways ADHD is being expressed, it’s not that they are all hyperactive as I thought that was the main characteristic, some look super calm on the outside like me.

So I started to get curious, I started to read and listen to a lot of information.

I still believe that labels do not really matter, it’s not what defines me. 
Although it does help to track down the ground of some of my behaviours, my characteristics and simply my way of seeing in this world.  

I’m not even seeing it as a disorder, but as a gift for this world and to bring another perspective, another way of being and seeing.

This is also what I love to guide people in, to not see it as an obstacle, a disorder or a curse but as a gift and perhaps an intelligent response to this crazy world we live in.

I also don’t like the hype and trend about all these subjects, I feel things like “trauma and neurodivergence” are easily being used these days and I just simply don’t like trends haha.
It feels like misusing certain concepts and completely distorting them.

Digging into the problem is not going to help, perhaps understanding ourselves and the difficulties that come with it, yes, but to keep on emphasizing it as a problem, will create another problem. 
Thinking we have a problem, actually creates the problem. 

MY INNER WORLD

In short my inner world experience dealing with a different brain is that I have a hard time with structure, doing the same thing every day, doing one thing at a time, discipline, boundaries, executive function, routine (in some cases I appreciate routine but it’s still flexible), planning, processing takes typically longer, authority (other people deciding for us, like governments), focus, concentration, emotional dysregulation and overwhelm, loud sounds, strong smells, closed environments (buildings), strong artificial lights, timing and time in general, repetitiveness, well and just about the whole societal structure as it is now is just really hard for me to function in… 

I thrive more in a non structured explorative environment.
Let me go back to the hunter gatherer tribe time, where I would be the shaman of the tribe. And I would be supported by the tribe.
Being a shaman in this time and society is simply not supported overall unless you are able to create a tribe yourself.

I also thrive through diving deep into my soul, expanding consciousness, creativity, novelty, curiosity, taking risks, adventure, intuition rather than a strict mindset.
I desire change, breaking through old stagnant systems that are making us sick, I desire to feel the subtleties of life, my brain automatically scans many details, and my feeling world is picking up on many details which have its advantages and disadvantages. 

A need for silence, a lot of alone time, a lot of nature, natural environment, not too much technology, slowing down. A need to process things in my own time.
Well again anything but what society is feeding us with every day. 

All people with ADHD and Autism have different symptoms and characteristics yet they all have in coming high sensitivity (HSP) and Sensory processing disorder (SPD) 
 I believe that these different minds are evolutionary tools our species has developed to create change, to go beyond the toxic cultural norms, to challenge our limited minds and break through some of our rigid belief systems.